Welcome to the second part of my confidence blog post. If you haven’t gotten a chance to check out the first one, feel free to take a look here. In this post I wanted to answer the three remaining questions that I had originally set out to answer in part 1:

What is confidence? A discussion of inner confidence vs. outer confidence. (Part 1)
Why does it matter? A discussion on where confidence plays a part in everyday life. (Part 1)
How does one acquire confidence? No one is born a confident person. (Part 2)
How to use failure to boost confidence. Separating yourself from your behaviour. (Part 2)
Developing the “inner chill”. (Part 2)

How does one acquire confidence

The answer to this question, first off, is highly subjective. Each person will and should, have their own perception of how confidence is built and wheretheir confidence comes from. Below I have listed a few things that I’ve found that have boosted my confidence:

Learning- I think this one of the fundamental things behind any confident person, having a willingness to grow and learn continuously. Considering the fact that my last exam of my undergraduate degree is next week, I’m more excited about the fact that I can finally learn whatever I want, when I want to and have the freedom of choice for the first time. I have started by investing my time in the following things;
Books — Reading is not dead! There will always be smarter people out there and they give us access to their wealth of experiences and knowledge — take advantage! Feel free to message me if you’re looking for book suggestions; my greatest fascination right now is with understanding love!
Coursera (MOOCS) — Literally the BEST resource to learn anything you want. You can sign up for a course for credit, or watch the lectures and follow along any class you want for free. Currently I’m signed up for a course on happiness by professor Raj Ragunatham.
Experience - They say experience is the best teacher in life and I couldn’t agree more. You have to be willing to push past your comfort zone, which is again very buzz-wordy because that can mean so many different things. For me it’s about tackling something that I fear. For example: I had a slight fear of heights, so I went bungee jumping in Whistler, BC two summers when my family and I took a trip to Vancouver. By the end of that jump, I overcame my fear of heights and haven’t looked back since. Once you develop an anxiety for something it tends to grow, the more you put it off, so next time you realize you have a fear of something remember Nike and “Just do it!”.
Reflection and Internalization — I think this another key to success in acquiring and staying confident. Human beings are gifted with the ability to see ourselves through the eyes of other people. We possess something animals do not — empathy. Empathy is the ability to see ourselves through the eyes of another. Next time you’re facing a problem in a relationship, your personal life or career, zoom out, try to take another 3rd person perspective. I promise when you do, you’ll feel a ton better and see solutions to that problem that might have never crossed your mind.
Asking for help — This is a tough one. For me, I’ve relied on myself in most situations. It goes back to what society tells us, believe in yourself. However, I think it’s important to realize that sometimes your way is notthe best way. People have different ways of tackling issues, and you’ll never know if there’s a better way to approach something until you acknowledge you need help and ask. I have learned this by observing someone in the past few months that I think does an exceptional job at asking and reaching out for help fearlessly.

How to use failure to boost confidence

There’s a saying in silicon valley: Fail Fast, Fail Often. There’s even a book written about it that you can check out right here. For me it’s realizing a few things:

Fear of Failure: Wayne Gretsky’s quote, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” is the most applicable here. So much of the time because we are outcome driven we fear that we won’t get something because the outcome of our efforts seem so unlikely. This is where Yoda’s sage advice comes in: “Do or Do Not, there is no try”. My mantra is if I give something my 100% I will have no regrets, and whatever the outcome, it will be okay.
Not taking Failure personally: When we fail, we tend to attribute it to shortcomings in ourselves. I took failure very personally, and looked at failure as being something that was wrong with me…the core of me. It used to shake my understanding of myself and who I was, and often would cause me to get emotionally invested (sad and brooding) and question why I was the way I was. (a mini existential crisis, if you would) One day though I decided, enough was enough! I want to get over this cycle and started to think. Something emerged from reading and thinking. Failure is not a reflection of your inner shortcomings, but a reflection of your outer behaviour! I like to think of it in the model below.
Change your behaviour: Sometimes there comes a time that you do need to take a look at who you are on the inside and evaluate, do I need to change. However, 90% of the time it’s your behaviour that determines how other people see you. Here’s the best part, behaviour can be changed! It comes with understanding that being self aware is the key to any change. Once you know what it is you need to change, you can go about doing it. Asking your friends, family, coworkers or your boss what you can do better is the first step in understanding what modifications you should make. So that, the next time you face a situation in which you failed before, you will have the tools to approach it differently when it pops up again.

Developing the “inner chill”

Recently I’ve started following a YouTube channel called “the school of life”. This channel goes in-depth into topics in philosophy and psychology and helps me understand they “why” behind some of the biggest questions I have about life. My inner chill, if you haven’t picked up on yet, comes fromknowing. The more I know, the happier and more confident I become. It gives me an inner sense of contentment and purpose to know that I’m investing in myself little by little everyday.

At the heart of the inner chill, is a sense of direction and purpose. The core of masculine energy (left brain) is logic, reason and problem solving. The core of feminine energy is creativity, flow and emotion (right brain). My foundation (inner chill) comes from an understanding of the following things;

Clear short term goals
Direction (vague understanding of long term goals)
Vision (The person I want to be like in 5–10 years)

This helps me separate myself from the external events that happen in the world and bring focus, a clear mind and full awareness to the table.

Conclusion

If you’ve made it through both parts, kudos to you! Thank you for taking the time to read through my thoughts and I hope what I’ve written helps you in your life. I strive to make sure that what I write is grounded in the “real” and can be applied in the practical world. If you have any thoughts or feedback, please feel free to drop me a line at chinmayamadan@gmail.com.